First a little back story, for ultimate appreciation's sake: I'm doing a diet called Medifast, which is similar to Jenny Craig and the like, where some of your meals come in the mail (protein shakes, bars, soups etc.) and the rest of your meals are lean meat and green veggies. With no added dressing, butter, salt or other condiment might I add, which is very difficult to stick to, and some days the only way I get through is by licking grilled cheese sandwich remains off my son's face while he and anyone watching just think I'm pretending to gobble him or shower him in kisses. But I digress. So Medifast comes with this cute little measuring cup which you can see pictured in the post where I dumped my purse. (It's in the top right of the photo.) We use this cup to measure the water for our protein shakes and oatmeal and stuff, so this cup follows me everywhere because without it, I'll end up with runny oatmeal or a watered down shake because I can't for the life of me measure a cup of water by sight. Another digression. The point of this paragraph was to tell you that my anonymous friend and I have taken quite fondly to referring to the act of being on the Medifast diet as "MF-ing" and to each other as "MF-ers", in reference to the diet only, of course. Oh, and that we drink about 100 ounces of water per day, which means we go to the bathroom about 34 times per day, and if you are one of those who personally feels 100 ounces of water per day is just!too!much! to be healthy, please kindly keep those personal feelings to yourself, as I have already heard two unsolicited pontifications on the matter today and am no longer in the mood to smile and nod at you.
Well. Now that you're more than equipped with all you need to understand this voicemail, please brace yourselves. You just can't make stuff like this up, people. I didn't even hear the last 20 seconds of her message the first time I listened because her final twist had me screaming at the top of my lungs in shock and horror. And secret delight. And now here it is, word for very word:
I really hope you didn't press ignore when you saw my call because I have something really gross that I have to confess. And I don't know WHY. But maybe I'll just leave the whole thing on your machine and you'll have to deal with it.
So in my office... there is NO bathroom in the building because we're in a TRAILER. Because the main building is overgrown. We're moving into a new building in September. So if you want to pee you have to go alllll the way across to the other building, and I'm sure you can imagine how that sucks when you're MFing because you have to pee a LOT.
So I had to pee SO BAD. And I knew I was not going to make it over to the potty. I knew I was--I WOULD PEE MY PANTS, MCKENNA. But I'm embarassed to say that, because I know it's childlike. And I know this voicemail is TOO long, so I peed in my Medifast cup--I'M NOT GOING TO USE IT AGAIN--I had to PEE--Yes.
I peed in my office. I shut the door and peed in my Medifast cup. There you have it. kbye.
p.s. If you're reading this and think you know who's message I transcripted (transcripted is not a word, apparently), think again. I have more than one, yea, more than two friends doing Medifast with me.
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