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“Now? You mean like now now?”
We had pretty much been waiting by the phone all night long even though Teresa (our social worker) had told us earlier not to expect a call until the next day. An hour later we found ourselves in the hospital elevator, creeping ever too slowly up to the third floor. A nice lady from the adoption center was there to meet us. She was ready to take us right into Ashley’s hospital room, but I stopped –
“Wait.” I said, “Behind that door is a girl who has the most overwhelming task of choosing someone to entrust with her very most precious possession. Forever. And here we are… what are we supposed to say? How are we supposed to act? Don’t you have any advice for us?”
“Just relax and be yourselves.”
Well. Sure. But, what else could there be? There’s just no possible way to prepare for this inimitable moment. We just had to do it. So we gave her a nod, and she opened the door to room 324. Every millisecond lasted a minute as we walked into that room. The bathroom wall jutted out into the room, blocking our view of the bed for a few steps. I couldn’t believe my feet were actually moving forward, one in front of the other. Finally, after what seemed like a mile of textured wallpaper passing by me, the bathroom wall ended and the room opened up before my view.
And then I saw her face.
Have you ever been just sure there was an intruder in your home? Sheer panic sets in. Your adrenaline skyrockets. And then the “intruder” turns around and you see your friend’s face and you go, “Oh. It’s just YOU.” The pure and unadulterated relief you feel in that moment? That’s what washed over me when I saw Ashley’s face. “Oh. It’s just you.” As if I had known her forever.
But I didn’t know her. Not at all. And I didn’t know the tiny blue bundle she was holding, either. It had two inches of black hair sticking straight out one end. I tried not to stare.
Ashley smiled. Her face was still and serene. Her smile was peaceful. We sat down in two wooden chairs.
“Hi,” we smiled, “How are you?”
Her quiet voice responded, “I’m doing good. You’re Kenna and Steve?”
She asked us questions about how we met. What we like to do together. Our future family plans. She lifted her swaddled treasure up and asked if I’d like to hold him. So I did, and I fed him his bottle as we continued to learn about each other. If I told you I felt an instant magical connection the very moment I lifted that little baby into my arms, I’d be lying. In fact, all I could think was, "DON’T look at him. DON’T fall in love with him." But it was impossible. He was perfect and mesmeric.
After an hour and a half, Ashley said to us, “I felt really warm when I read your profile. And I’m glad I got to meet you. Thank you for coming to see me even though it’s late. I love my baby very much and I have a lot to think about. Please don’t get your hopes up yet.” And then we shared some final small talk. And then we left. And then the entire ride home, I told Steve the reason she said “Don’t get your hopes up.” is because she thinks we are complete idiots and she was just trying to be nice. And Steve told me the reason she said it is because she needed to sleep on her decision to make sure it was right.
I slept like a rock that night. The type of sleep you get just after you’ve bawled your eyes out for hours and then finally the cry headache knocks you out into deep, sweet slumber.
The next morning, I sat up in bed and stared at the wall for a minute while I wondered what I was supposed to be doing.
“Well, it’s Wednesday. So I guess I should go to work? Yeah. Work.”
An hour later as I merged onto the freeway, I had a very lucid moment. I was sure I had become psychic. I told myself through quiet tears, “She didn’t choose you. It’s okay. It just wasn’t meant to be. You’ll be fine. This too shall pass.”
And then my phone rang. It was Teresa.
“Hi Kenna. Where are you?”
“Just driving to work…”
“I just left the hospital. I had a long talk with Ashley. She wanted me to tell you she really appreciates you coming to meet her last night.”
Please say “and” PLEASE say “AND”!
“And. She wants to know if you and Steve would adopt her baby.”
...to be continued (and finished) tomorrow.
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