My friend and I were talking over lunch about how everyone's favorite baby gift to give is clothing in sizes 0-6 months. We laughed about how you boys (her boy is 6 weeks older than you) had too many clothes right now, but in a pound or so, you'd have to go around naked. If it weren't for the weather, I could probably go at least another month before your superfluous wardrobe all of a sudden became barren. But Fall has plunged down upon us, and you don't have one long-sleeved shirt in the dresser.
So tonight I went shopping for some warmer clothes for you and almost before I stepped foot in the store, a strange, familiar feeling crept over me. I realized the last time I had gone shopping for baby clothes was before you were born. As I let the feeling set in - reserved yet hopeful - I remembered being filled with so much anticipation for our baby, but I always shopped with many reservations. Was it silly to be buying onesies now, when we could end up waiting for our baby for several years? Did I deserve to be buying socks, diapers, and PJs even though I wasn't pregnant? Every night I would fold and re-fold the unisex clothes I had collected, trying so hard to imagine who you would be. Trying to imagine some tiny, precious thing breathing in and out between my arms while wearing that one striped onesie or that polka-dotted sleeper.
Pure gratefulness washed over me tonight as I shopped without reservations. Tonight there was no need to feel silly or premature. Tonight I shopped for a real live baby for the first time. One who I know loves bath time, his daddy's voice, and nuzzling his face into my neck. One who absolutely prefers dinosaurs on his shirt over ducks. And as I tucked a tiny red cardigan under my arm tonight, I didn't have to wonder what it would feel like to cuddle your little body in it.
I came home to find your dad had already tucked you in to bed. I peeked in on you and watched your belly rise and fall and thought to myself, "I can't believe you're mine forever." Despite the special way we had to follow Heaven's clues to find you, you are undoubtedly a part of us, and we you... and I will never be the same.
Love,
Mommy
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